If you don’t know, I got very sick this past year and I was down for about 7 months. In the deepest, darkest hour of that illness, I felt like death was running through my body. I was so tired I could barely get out of bed. My body ached from true exhaustion, the deepest depletion, and a sense of hopelessness. I couldn’t sleep, and my nervous system was on overdrive. I felt as if all the light burned out of me.
My spiritual teacher, who had been holding me through this journey, told me that whenever I felt confused to get on my yoga mat. She told me to work it out on my mat, to not turn away from the ache and the pain, and to go all the way in.
So, in that darkest moment, I lit candles around me, turned on soft music, and crawled onto my mat into child’s pose. I put a blanket over my body and surrendered to the earth below me. It was all I could do. I felt like I was crawling into a dark cave where it was safe to unravel. Within moments the tears started to come. Feelings of loss and grief moved up into my body. Grief for the body and strength I once knew. I felt the loss of everything I was missing…. moments with my kids, teaching my classes, snuggling with my husband. All those precious moments were stolen by this illness, and my heart hurt.
And while I stayed there in my hurt, in my dark cave, in my aching body, I started to whisper out loud to myself… “I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” My voice got louder and the tears heavier.
I’m sorry for pushing this body when she was already tired.
I’m sorry for saying Yes when everything in me was shouting No.
I’m sorry for sacrificing myself and putting everyone else before me.
I’m sorry for taking on so much responsibility.
I’m sorry for not taking care of you.
I’m sorry for not listening to you.
I love you.
Please forgive me.
It was a moment of reckoning. It was as if my life was spread out before my eyes and I could see all the ways I put myself here—all the ways I sacrificed my own being for others. I saw how my body and my soul had been giving me messages for years. The sad part is, I heard the messages, but I didn’t respond. I just kept pushing.
What I learned that day is that the cost is too high.
The cost is too high to not rest when my body tells me to stop.
The cost is too high to not follow my inner guidance.
The cost is too high to not honor my truth.
The cost is too high to stay silent.
And so, that day, as I crawled out of my cave, I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t go back. I didn’t know what that would look like, but I vowed to live differently, and to live fully, not just part time the way I had been living.
Because I want those moments back. I want my body and my life and my dreams back. I want my daughter to watch me in my full power. I want my son to see his mom singing her song, and I want to snuggle with my husband, full time.
And I know I am not alone. As women we have been taught to push ourselves to exhaustion. We’ve been taught to put ourselves last. We’ve tamed our desires and silenced our true voices to please others.
For me, the time is up for this way of being. It’s time to find a new way.
This is The Practice.
I have so much more to share with you about this journey, and if you relate to this conversation, I would be honored to have you in The Practice with me this coming April.
The Practice is a 10-week closed program where we connect, move our bodies, and dive into what it means to be a woman right now. We get to crawl into our caves, unravel, and remember who we truly are. Its soft and gentle. It feels like a slow dance with yourself. It feels like coming home.
New 10-week programs are starting in April. I’d love for you to join me. Only a handful of spaces remain.
Want to try The practice before committing? I have one more Pop-Up coming up next Wednesday, March 28th at 10:00am. Go HERE to check it out.